Childhood resentment of parents: how it manifests itself in adulthood

Childhood resentment of parents in adulthood follows a person like a trail, becoming more and more toxic over the years. If you feel that it's time to say goodbye to them, it's time to do some introspection and think about childhood grievances from the point of view of psychology.

In this article, we will shed some light on what children's resentment of their parents is. We will understand real and imaginary psychological traumas. Let's talk about what it means to forgive parents for mistakes and help them get rid of depressing memories.

Childhood resentment of parents in adulthood: is it all their fault?

The popularity of Freud's theory that all problems come from childhood has played a cruel joke: now many people live with a constant resentment of their parents and make claims against them for their failures. Childhood resentment of parents in adulthood can be different: they did not love, did not provide for, did not study at the right university, did not buy an apartment/car... And vice versa: too much love and care, pampering, etc.

Some people express their childhood grievances in the form of direct reproaches or complete neglect of their elderly parents, while others hide them, preferring formal relationships with relatives or hidden negativity. The form of expression of bitterness from childhood offenses is not so important. You need to get rid of them in any case.

You need to understand that by taking offense at your parents, a person rejects himself as an adult and independent person.

For example, a son blames his mother for everything, even for the fact that he cannot build his life according to his own rules and desires, because he is still infantile and immature. But constantly looking back at the past means depriving yourself not only of the present, but also of the future.

What happened to you as a child cannot be changed, cannot be rewritten. All those destructive feelings that you have experienced and continue to experience through memories paralyze your aspirations in the present, creating the illusion of hopelessness.

To claim your right to happiness, you need to cut off this little child from the past from your present self. You are already a different person, with your own thoughts, views, and desires. You have a new life that has nothing to do with the one you had as a child.

But this is not enough. You need to understand whether your parents were so wrong. Whether the events that you constantly recall were really traumas.

Children's resentment of parents: examples

✓ Harsh parents, tyrant parents, demanding and emotionally cold people are definitely bad. Bad for the child at the time. But is it so bad in the long run? Scientists in the UK have conducted a large-scale study of 15,000 people on the relationship between mothers and teenage daughters. As it turned out, the daughters of strict mothers grew up to be more successful, purposeful, and responsible than those of liberal mothers.

✓ Ambitious parents who raised their children in an atmosphere of pursuit of success instilled in them not only the inability to be happy with what they have, but also such qualities as perseverance, passion for experimentation, and risk-taking. Such children later become successful people. They just don't know how to rest on their laurels, are never satisfied with little, and don't live their lives in a "quiet swamp."

✓ If mom didn't praise and dad didn't support, a child will grow up insensitive to the opinions of others. He will have to learn how to grade himself and build up a skin so thick that no critic will lead him astray.

An unappreciated child does not wait for deafening applause so that he can plop down on the couch and rest on his laurels with a sense of accomplishment. He will always try to prove to himself and others that he is worth something. And this is not the worst personality trait.

✓ Parents lord it over their child, control his every move, and shape his life according to their own patterns? Well, it will be difficult to break free. But if you succeed, then such a person will have a heightened sense of personal boundaries. He will not allow himself to be bossed around by his significant other or children, will not interfere with unsolicited opinions, and will not impose his society.

But all of the above are only minor "sins" of parents compared to real traumatizing behavior. There are misdeeds that are difficult to forgive and forget even after many years.

Childhood offenses that poison life

These are usually significant events with a negative connotation. They are firmly entrenched in the subconscious and leave their mark on the psyche for a long time, if not forever. Serious childhood traumas affect a person's character, form unconscious fears, phobias, and complexes. It is because of them that a person may lose the ability to live a full life, work productively, and develop.

So, what are these events/situations?

• Death of a loved one. The older the child is and the stronger his or her attachment to the person, the higher the stress load and the deeper the experience in the event of his or her death.
• Physical violence. A distinction should be made between isolated cases of physical abuse, which many parents consider to be a tool of education, and regular beating of a child to the point of bruising and injury. In the first case, far-reaching consequences for the psyche are unlikely, while in the second case they are guaranteed.
• Sexual abuse. Children prefer to keep silent about it, fearing the wrath of adults. And despite the fact that up to 19% of children are exposed to sexual abuse, only 1 in 10 decide to talk about it. And yet, sexual abuse is at the top of the list of traumatic events for the psyche.
• Psychological violence and moral humiliation. Long-term psychological violence is a "killer" of a little person's personality. In adulthood, it will be very difficult for him to restore his self-esteem and build close, trusting relationships.
• Severe parental divorce. Parents pay critically little attention to the child's adaptation to life after a divorce - both now and then, in our childhood. Even less then. Divorce was considered a tragedy for the couple, and children were silent observers. But in reality, a child is a direct participant in all the events that take place in a family. He or she cannot remain indifferent, and often suffers the most.
• Low financial security of the family. Money is not the most important thing, but still... If parents cannot cover the child's basic needs (feed, clothe, shoe), he or she may develop a number of psychological problems in the future, ranging from pathological stinginess to wastefulness.
• Alcoholism and other types of addictions in parents. The presence of dependent and codependent relatives forms the wrong patterns of behavior and relationships between people in a child.

Childhood grievances are not just ballast, but a whole wall that blocks an adult from a full, free and happy life. Try to get rid of them or use them as a guide to what not to do in relation to your children. And in 20-30 years you will be able to evaluate the result.

How to stop blaming your parents for your failures

If you feel deeply resentful of your parents, but at the same time realize the need to get rid of this destructive feeling, use our advice. Below we will describe how to stop blaming your parents.

Believe in your parents' love

Everyone makes mistakes, and your parents are no exception. However, it is worth understanding the motivation behind their actions.

Your mother was constantly reproachful → She wanted the best for you

Through the veil of resentment, it is difficult to see the true reason for nagging. After all, they are so depressing, provoke protest and spoil your mood. But what if a reproach is just an unfortunate way to protect you from mistakes that your mother has already made in the past and knows how it can end?

Your father scolded you even for trivial things → He was worried about you

Perhaps he scolded you because he was very worried. A man is naturally designed to take care of the safety of his pack members. And if he feels that he does not have the situation under control, he gets irritated. Hence the scolding for trifles.

Do not judge

Even if you are used to considering yourself a victim of "wrong" parents, it's time to get out of this role and take a more constructive stance. Detached, and therefore wiser.

Look at the situation from above. This girl's (boy's) parents behaved wrongly. She has grown up and is building her own life.

• Can she change what happened to her in her childhood?
• Will she be happier if her parents realize they were wrong?
• Will they then be able to repay their debts to their child?

If the answer to all three questions is no, it is worth recognizing that the statute of limitations on this "process" has long since expired.

Try not to judge your parents for what seems obvious to you. You were a child, you might not have known the true motives of their actions many years ago. And any court makes a decision only after a thorough examination of the circumstances of the case. Are you ready to go that deep into analyzing the events of those years? I don't think so.