To use punishment or to set rules: how to raise children

In the process of raising children, parents have two approaches: to apply punishment or to set rules. In the first case, the child learns behavioral norms through punishment/restrictions, i.e. after the fact (after the fact). In the second case, prevention works - he knows in advance what he can and cannot do.

The second option is less convenient for parents, as they will have to think about many things, set rules and monitor their compliance. However, it has special advantages over punishment. Let's figure out why children need rules: what their functions are and how to make sure they are followed.

Rules vs. punishment

Does a child need rules? Yes, they do! Rules are the norms set by parents that regulate various aspects of a child's life: their behavior at home, at school, with friends, their responsibilities and relationships with other people. Rules help to:

• establish models of behavior;
• form moral habits
• choose areas of activity
• establish guidelines for decision-making;
• organize daily routines/activities/recreation;
• adapt to attending school/kindergarten, which also has its own rules.

Non-compliance with the rules is punished. However, this is no longer a haphazard measure, but a clear and understandable algorithm for the child.

Punishments give the child more freedom, but at the same time, he or she learns what he or she can and cannot do at the moment of being punished. Of course, this approach is not about hurting the child. Its task is the same as that of the rules: to form behavioral patterns. But there is a huge risk that frequent punishment will have a number of negative consequences:

• The trust and closeness between the child and parents will weaken;
• the child will get used to punishment and stop responding to it;
• the child will form a stable stereotype: he or she is bad, so he or she is punished so much.

Therefore, the best approach is to have both without the other. Namely, there are no punishments without rules.

Functions of rules and tasks of parents

Psychologists distinguish six functions of rules:

1. To create a sense of stability and security in the child

For a child to develop normally, a cause-and-effect relationship must be established: if I break the rules, I will be punished, and if I follow the rules, I can be calm, confident and protected. That is, the rules are like the ground under your feet, from which you can push off to jump and then land back.

It is also important that the child understands why the rules are set. Not just because the parents wanted to. But in order to protect the child first and foremost. For example, the rule of crossing the street on a green light protects the child from accidents, the rule of putting his clothes in the closet saves time on getting ready for school, the rule of feeding the cat on time instills responsibility in him, and the rule of doing homework right after school gives him free time until the evening.

Any rule set by parents should be justified and explained to the child. You should not be cunning when talking about the reasons for a particular rule. It is better to tell the truth in an accessible form so that the child realizes the consequences of the violation.

2. Teach your child to respect the personal boundaries of others

Some of the rules concern the interaction between the child and other people. And at this point, it becomes necessary to teach him or her to respect personal boundaries. Sometimes parents go to extremes - they forbid everything to the child, suppressing him or her and creating a sense of their own worthlessness, or vice versa - they allow everything when the child grows up to be an egoist.

It is important to strike a balance and set simple and clear rules that will not oppress the child, but at the same time not create an atmosphere of permissiveness.

To understand how your rules affect your child, just ask him how he feels about it. You shouldn't impose your vision on him, and if it comes to fundamental issues, explain why it is important to follow this rule. And do this until the child understands the importance of such a decision.

Bernard Shaw wrote that "the golden rule is that there are no golden rules. If the rule is completely illogical, causes persistent resistance in the child, and he or she cannot learn it, revise it or give it up altogether. Adopt another rule that will suit all parties involved, but will not cause discomfort. As a result, respecting your child's opinion will help you to gain respect in return.

3. Introduce the child to the real world.

Often, a family creates hothouse conditions for a child: sometimes you can make some noise in the evening, sometimes indulge in food, sometimes avoid responsibility for pranks. However, when leaving the cozy family nest, your chick may face the fact that the outside world is not so accommodating and loyal, and if there are generally accepted rules, they must be followed. Therefore, the ability to think in terms of cause and effect (there will be a punishment for breaking a rule) will greatly simplify your child's life and facilitate his or her interaction with others.

For example, if at home they could draw and leave the pencils on the table, then at school the teacher will make a remark for the mess on the desk. If at home a child is allowed to talk during a movie, in a movie theater, the audience sitting next to him or her will "shush" to make him or her quiet, and so on.

4. Remove the personal factor of education.

The dream of any parent is to form a close, warm, trusting relationship with their child. If they don't, any interaction between them is formal, and communication is hampered by misunderstanding, protest, and unwillingness to hear each other. In any case, there is some kind of personal feature of the relationship. And the rules eliminate it, because it is not a momentary desire of the parents, not their whims or nitpicking, but pre-established norms that must be followed without regard to personal relationships.

5. Eliminate the possibility of manipulation.

Rules are a kind of independent judge to whom you can appeal in any unclear situation. Children very quickly realize that there is a parent's opinion, formed under the influence of mood, desires, plans, and other factors. And then there is an unshakable rule that must be followed. And if in the first case there is a chance to manipulate the parent's decision - to beg, persuade, distract, negotiate. In the case of the rule, there is not much room for maneuver. And if parents see that a child is not following the rule, they can legitimately resort to punishment, while in other cases this punishment will cause resentment and misunderstanding.

For example, parents ask their child to find the TV remote control. He refuses because he is busy. As a result, he is punished - completely unlawfully, since there is no rule that requires the child to keep track of the remote control. This means that this is pure parental arbitrariness. Yes, you can ask, but if they refuse, you should accept that answer. At the very least, do not punish him for it. But if it were the child's duty, made a rule and agreed upon earlier, then no offense: if he broke the rule, he was punished.

6. To organize the child's behavior

This is the most important function of the rules, since their task is not just to achieve obedience, but to teach certain norms, laws of life, and to protect them from all that is bad. And this process is designed to last a lifetime, as the rules help to instill knowledge and skills that will be useful to the child in the future.

A great example of strategic organization of a child's behavior is eating habits. Eating breakfast in the morning, not drinking water with meals, eating 2 hours before bedtime, etc. are golden rules that

a) will give the child good health in childhood;

b) form the right approach to nutrition for the rest of their lives.

How to set the rules

Despite the seeming simplicity and obviousness of this issue, we will still give you the basic principles of setting rules for children. They will help to avoid mistakes and misunderstandings:

✓ Rules must be followed. Parents need to be consistent and not make allowances for rule-breaking.

✓ Rules for the child should not contradict the actions of the parents. That is, adults must follow the established rules themselves in order to set a good example for the child and instill in him or her the confidence that this rule is not a parental whim, but an objective necessity.

✓ Rules should be agreed upon between parents. It is unacceptable for mom to have her own rules and dad to have his own rules. Parents should discuss in advance the norms by which they will raise and educate their child.

✓ The rules should not negatively affect the child's vital activity. If a child needs to go to bed early for purely physiological reasons, then the rule to play for an hour and a half with his younger brother will contradict the child's needs. Therefore, this rule should be canceled.

✓ The rules should be explained every time the child asks the question "why?". Patiently, with a smile, in a calm tone. If possible, even before the violation occurs, warn that it will be punished.

✓ Formulate rules based on a strategy for the future. You should clearly know why, where, and for what purpose the rule is set. What benefits it will bring to your child in the future and what it will protect them from. This way you can more accurately describe the reasons why you need to follow this rule.

If you still haven't decided how to organize the educational process for your child, we'd like to remind you that rules make life easier for parents. If you follow them, you don't have to worry about your child's safety and productive interaction with the outside world.